When it comes to our mental health and well-being, finding the right therapist isn’t always an easy, one-time choice. Much like dating, the process of finding a therapist involves evaluating compatibility and checking the emotional safety you feel when interacting with someone. Just as you should watch for signs of compatibility with any relationship, when searching for a therapist, you need to be on the lookout for therapist red flags. Research has told us time and time again the massive role that the therapeutic relationship plays in a person's progress with their mental and emotional health, making it important to find the ideal mental health practitioner.
Signs It's Just Not Working
With the right therapist, you'll ideally experience a strong connection and a sense of emotional security. You should feel both challenged and engaged in the therapeutic process. If you find yourself feeling uneasy, judged, or hesitant to share personal information, it's worth considering whether this discomfort is simply a part of the therapeutic process, or if these feelings are specific to the therapist you are seeing. When evaluating your feelings toward a new therapist, it's helpful to understand the difference between productive discomfort, which leads to growth and insight, and unproductive discomfort, which feels persistently unsettling or misses your needs.
If you're new to therapy, give yourself an adjustment period. Therapy can be a difficult process for some to jump into, and many will need a few sessions as a trial before making a judgment on whether the issues they’re facing in therapy are related to the connection with their therapist or is simply them adjusting to the newness of therapy. You may need more time to develop a sense of comfort and trust with your therapist, as they are a new person in your life that you don’t know. Especially if you’ve struggled with issues of trust in relationships before, give yourself time to connect and open up with this new person.
Your level of engagement during sessions can also serve as a signal of the relationship's health. If you frequently find yourself uninterested, struggling to participate, or feeling detached, it may indicate that the therapy style is not meshing with you. A therapist's therapeutic approach, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) might not be the best fit for your needs. Therapeutic modalities are not one-size-fits-all and can vary in their success based on your symptoms or behaviors. If you're not making progress or your symptoms are worsening, it may be a sign that the approach is not right for you.
Not every therapist will be the right match for you. This doesn't necessarily imply that the therapist has red flags, but you deserve a therapeutic relationship where you can be your authentic self. Therapists have varying communication styles, and you may connect better with someone who is direct, gentle, a good listener, or provides a balanced mix of feedback and listening. These preferences are highly individual.
If you can't pinpoint a specific reason for why a therapist doesn't align with you, that's okay. Sometimes, it comes down to a gut feeling that it's not the right fit - and it’s time to listen to our gut feelings.
Therapist Red Flags
In some cases, therapists may exhibit behavior that is entirely inappropriate for therapy sessions. These actions go beyond a simple mismatch in communication style or therapeutic approach and could be red flags for how the clinician is practicing.
Belittling Your Feelings: A highly important takeaway from therapy is that your emotional experiences are valid. If a therapist invalidates or dismisses your feelings, it's actually doing the opposite of helping, particularly because therapists hold a position of power. This is not simply a different therapeutic technique, but is an issue you should be walking away from if you see it in a therapist.
Way Too Much Self-disclosure: While sharing occasional relevant personal experiences shared by the therapist can be helpful, constant self-disclosure - or telling you, the client, about their own life and issues - especially when it's not relevant, is a red flag. Therapy should primarily focus on the client, not the therapist.
Taking Up The Emotional Space: Therapists who exhibit inappropriate emotions during sessions or make the session about themselves are displaying huge red flags. While some emotion from your therapist can be healing, excessive emotional expression can be problematic and should not be the norm in sessions.
Frequent Ghosting: While therapists are humans and have emergencies that pop up, frequent cancellations or unreliable communication, such as consistent unresponsiveness to emails, can break trust in the therapeutic relationship.
It's important not to dismiss red flags as unimportant or the assumption that you are being overly sensitive. If you observe a red flag from your therapist, the first step is to address it with them, either in person or via email. Depending on their response, you can decide whether to continue seeing them after the issues are addressed or seek another therapist.
When These Red Flags Become Much More
Unethical behavior on the part of a therapist includes engaging in sexual or romantic relationships with clients, breaking confidentiality, intentional betrayal, or exhibiting a judgmental attitude towards a client's identity or cultural background. Such behaviors may result in a therapist having their license revoked or suspended. If you start noticing unethical behavior, you can choose to end your sessions and report the therapist to their licensing board, which can typically be found through a quick online search.
The search for a safe, trusting relationship with a therapist can be difficult, especially for those of us who have experienced so much betrayal and pain in relationships prior. While yes, difficult, the process of finding that confidential and caring therapeutic relationship is not only important, but vital to our mental and emotional health. It's entirely acceptable to acknowledge when a relationship isn’t right for you and seek a therapist who is a better fit for your unique needs. Don’t become stagnant in the search for a therapist - advocate for yourself and give yourself #Permission to find the therapeutic relationship that’s right for you and your healing journey.
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